who the f$#@ am i anymore?

i've let this evil take over my life and turn me into a different person... this mean, selfish hateful individual that cant look straight anymore and feel love. i feel like my vision is extremly altered and everything is spinning in circles. I wasnt like this. I had a heart of gold. I was ready to take on the world and love. I was all about "saving the enviornment" and charities and giving people the opportunities that i once had. I loved my life at home, my friends my family my school .. everyone. i smiled and laughed all the time at the silliest stupiest things and i really didnt care who was looking or judging me beucase all that mattered was me. i had friends who loved me for the dumbass i was :) because frankly they were just as dumb and funny as i was. I ate like i wanted to but still had the love for my body to work out hardcore. i enjoyed nature and reading for fun, i enjoyed saturdays at the beach combers restaurant with my close friends. People would tell me my eyes brightened up the room and that they had never seen anyone so beautiful in thier life... I was the one that was being chased by everyone but i never gave anyone a real chance.

but you know what sucks?

when all that you believed about yourself is ripped away by someone who is supposed to love u. someone who belittles you and pushes u back when you try to excel. someone who makes u believe that everything that u did believe about yourself and about everything you valued was stupid. All the music that interested u, how u felt about your body, what hobbies and things you liked... all false. all things that were skewed and twisted into being negative. your body wasnt all that you thought it was, your interest in cars and you knowledge of it is dumb and spoiled, the music u listened to made u stupid and lame. ALL that you percieved yourself as is a lie and over time u are made to believe otherwise.

NEVER AGAIN.

Its incredibly sick how people determine your future, present and past. Whether we like to admit it or not its the truth. People who are especially supposed to be the truest and closest to you. I would know because my biggest mistakes are dealing with boys.  The little boys that I have had in my life since I was 14 have always been disrespectful, selfish, and above all careless. Growing up with a mother and father who all have been a very close family to me has made me not only be brought up with respect for a significant other when and IF we do get someone who is worthy to be called "significant". However, everytime that I end up with some low-life, im blinded by what im forced to see, an illusion. I see the physical attractiveness, I hear the game that is being thrown my way and I take it all in like a sponge to water without even checking if its vinegar first, I believed everything that was told to me becuase like any young girl, I wanted it all to be true.

BUT EVERY SINGLE TIME, IT WAS NOT TRUE.

Ive put my whole heart and soul into trying to mold the fairy tale lifestyle I wanted. But Its impossible ladies, Its impossible to mold something sturdy and stable with sand. Becuase that is what Ive been working with all my life, is sand. And I feel that I will always be working with sand. I care WAY too much and try way too hard to hold up the all the strings in a relationship when my "significant" other runs around with sissors snipping at everyone one of them. And each time i re-tie them, the sissors are right there behind me waiting to snip again.

Ive been degraded as a woman by being called a bitch numerous times. Ive been pushed to the ground and told that I was faking being hurt. I have been cussed at. I have been told that Im not going to be around for long. I have been yelled at for trying to do something nice. I've been ignored when Im crying. I have been told to shut the fuck up many times. I have been humiliated infront of people that would love to see me fall. I have been left somewhere when I was drunk and a stranger has had to help me. I have been kicked out in the cold and locked out. Ive been cheated on. Ive been lied to a hell of alotta times. Ive been made a fool of by everyone around me becuase of the shit that he does and that I dont know about. Ive been neglected. My spirit has been ripped from me. Ive had him deny me being his girlfriend. Ive been kicked out of people lives for shit that people who dont even know me has believed. Ive been treated like garbage and made believe that Im not good enough for anything when I know deep down that Im the most beautiful person out there. Ive cried all night everynite over little boys that dont care when I should be laughing and smiling with a real man who loves me. Ive been pulled and dragged through situations that you COULDNT EVEN IMAGINE HAPPEN TO YOU.. but im still alive and im still here.

But then I think to myself, if this is all i got and this is all I remember then why has it been so hard to let go each time. Because everyone of them takes a piece of you. After all of them taking a piece of me, what is left of me? Im sick of giving selfish hurtful and cold individuals custody of parts of me. There will be nothing left for me in the end. And ME is the most important part of all of this.

ME is who is going to wake up in the morning and get me ready for school. ME is who is going to pay my bills on time. ME is going to make food for me so I can eat. ME is going to do the work so I can get a better life. ME is going to be there at my weakest and strongest moments. And ME is going to make the decisions I have to live with. So instead of crying and putting up with all that these little boys have thrown at me, I NEED TO DO ME.

"SO HAVE YOUR LITTLE CRY MANISHA, AND UR WEAK MOMENTS I WONT JUDGE YOU BUT AT THE SAME TIME KNOW YOU ARE A BEAUTIFUL YOUNG LADY WITH A SPIRIT AS VIBRANT AND LIVELY AS CAN BE. YOUR SPIRIT IS STILL THERE ITS JUST HIDING AND WAITING TO COME OUT WHEN YOU LET IT. YOU ARE A ONE IN A MILLION SELECTION AND ANYONE WHO IS KIND WONDERFUL AND RESPECTFUL AND WORTH CARING SO MUCH ABOUT WILL SEE WHO YOU ARE MORE THAN YOU CAN EVEN SEE IT. YOU HAVE A HEART OF GOLD AND ITS TIME YOU LOOK IN THE MIRROR AND SEE THAT YOU ARE AN INDIVIDUAL AND A DAMN STRONG ONE AT THAT! BECUASE "HE" WHOEVER HE MAYBE, DOESNT KNOW YOUR POTENTIAL. I DO."

                                                        LOVE, ME.

All the inside jokes, all the phone calls, meeting up in between classes, watching movies, making fun of jainna, making over salted hamburgers, playing deal or no deal in the dorm lounge, Drazgon Ball z ( i hated that game), me falling into the bushes, the look in his eyes when i first came to fernandina over thanksgiving break, the tickling, the wrestling, the chasing all around my apartment, the passionate kissing, that funny face we make, the first time we met in publix, the first kiss, the first dance, the first everything, picking flowers for me and bringing it to me after class, throwing rocks at my dorm window, the swing where u would always come and find me when u used to screw up, the vietnamiese manicurist, sex 5 times everyday, making fun of harley, family guy, southpark, butters, the way you took care of me when i was sick, the way i took care of you when you were sick, when you were joining your fraternity, going to the movies all day with one movie ticket, playing Halo in the game room, playing mario kart in the game room, me kicking your ass in ping pong then you learned some new way to kick my ass, "pick up or delievery!!!!!", the night you asked me out, afro samurai....

ur.gone.

I DONT EVEN CARE IF IM BEING BLUNT AND LETTING EVERYONE KNOW ABOUT MY PROBLEMS... at least i get feedback from people who read it and they let me know that i am intelligent, inspiring, real and that it makes them upset to see such a beautiful girl with so much anguish pumping through her veins.

just getting that out..

on another note. I feel lopsided. i have so much to do but im so stuck in a place where i dont know what to do. im stuck everyday around an endless amount of scattered clean/dirty clothes, my school books staring at me screaming " read me! learn from me", a heating pad that is always on to comfort me when i have nobody and no one to turn to ( a psuedocomfort, if you will), bills that seem to make my mother cringe and do this little jumpy thing when she sees the numbers implode on the long folded page, lonliness that isnt evident to the naked eye, friends that im scared to hang out with becuase im CLEARLY THE ONLY ONE WORKING THIER ASS OFF IN A RELATIONSHIP!!!!!!!!!!!,.......okay calm.. and not to mention  dealing with myself and the wonderful decisions that i make everyday.

"in stuck in this rut that i fell into by mistake, and im begging you, im begging you, im begging you to be my escape."